It's Okay Not to Be Okay: A Story About Postnatal Depression

This is a phrase I have said a lot over the last few months - and not just to myself. In talking openly about my mental health journey, I have said it to people face-to-face, but also on television and radio. It's not something that I would ever have envisaged talking about, but I am glad to be able to.

I have learned not to feel ashamed or worried what people think about me as a person or as a mother, and now feel stronger than I ever have been. So let me tell you, my story.

Diagnosed with Depression

In 2013 I gave birth to my first child. I was forty-one and having a baby was something that I thought would never happen. I've loved my baby from the day I found out I was pregnant - and that love has never changed; in fact, it grows stronger every single day.

Yet, soon after the birth something within me changed; my behaviour changed. I started to become obsessed with certain things - time being one of them. Why isn't my daughter awake yet? Why isn't she wanting to feed for longer? I constantly worried about both my new daughter's health and my own and I was furiously logging everything down and keeping notes. It was my attempt at regaining control in some way, but the constant demands of being a new parent and the lack of sleep were getting too much. I felt overwhelmed. I felt l was a bad mother.

With my daughter three-weeks old, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. Depression! How did this happen? I didn't sign up to this when I was pregnant. I just wanted to be well.

Medication, Counselling and More

Outwardly, no one would have known I was unwell; I got up every day and showered, and I got dressed and went out with my baby to the parent groups. But although I looked like my normal self on the outside, I just didn't feel like that inside.

It wasn't something I felt I could talk about and - aside from my husband, and my best friend, I hid my illness from practically everyone in my life while I tried to deal with it. I tried medication - and was on it for three years, but this didn't really help. I also had counselling and tried yoga, but I still didn't feel right.

Singing as Medicine

I decided to change my role at work and to reduce my hours and it was this that finally produced a big - and positive - effect. Working fewer hours gave me time to be "me" again - and I found something new, an interest that has helped me deal with my anxiety ever since: singing.

My therapist had told me that when I find my mind buzzing, working into overdrive, just to think of a song. I am not sure why I picked The Spice Girls' "Stop (Right Now)" but I did, and it proved to be a good medicine! It worked every time; helping my mind become calmer. The anxiety may still have been there, but it was no longer right at the forefront of my life.

Feeling Alive

So that was the starting point. Then, earlier this year, I spotted that a choir, Bee Vocal was starting up in Manchester. What particularly caught my eye was that it is for those with or who have had mental health difficulties. It sounded interesting and fun too - and so I signed up. I went along feeling very nervous, but those feelings soon disappeared. Even after just the first session, I felt better, and over the past few months, I have loved being part of the choir. I have formed some close bonds with the amazing people that I sing with every week.

And we don't just sing in private. We performed in front of 12,000 people and the world's media at the Manchester Together Concert. I wasn't in the least bit scared by the prospect, in fact, I was more excited by it than anything I had done in a long time. I can honestly say that singing just makes me feel alive; it helps me forget all my worries.

Speaking From the Heart

Since that very public performance, I have spoken openly about my journey with mental health. I've appeared on  ITV News, BBC Radio Manchester as well as the "This Is Me" video in my workplace. Despite never having spoken in public before, I felt I needed to share my story. I've also now presented at work to my peer group; three times now so far.

Each time it gets a little easier and I am now mostly able to keep my emotions in check. I have also presented to four external students from the local university about the Wellbeing offering in my workplace and how I have also used this to get better. My talks seem to be well-received and get positive feedback and I am glad if, by speaking from the heart, I can make a difference to others facing similar issues or who know someone who needs help.

Talk to Someone

Writing this piece is another massive step for me - but it's worth it if it helps to end the stigma of mental health in the workplace and beyond. My top tip for anyone facing mental health issues: please talk to someone. Talking makes things better and there really is no need to be afraid.

With the right support, you will get through it. I have and something so positive has come out of my experience. It's made me the new person I am today.

It really is okay not to be okay.

----

Claire; wife, mother, and EA, working in Manchester

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